He Knows The Question. And He's Going to Pop It Too.

One of my best friends just casually mentioned to me, over the phone, that he's going to propose to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve. Speeding it's way to his apartment, right now, is his mother's own wedding ring. He's going to add a stone to it for his girlfriend and give it to her on Christmas Eve.

And by uttering that simple phrase, followed by "I told you this, didn't I?", this guy sent me spiraling into a dizzying spin of memory, nostalgia, regret and internal debate.

Instead of being excited for this good friend, I am left wondering how it has happened that I am the last of the four of us, all tight friends from college, who hasn't found someone for myself, yet.

Is it because I have dedicated too much time to theater and my artistic passions and left no time to be with someone?

Is it because I've had love and lost it or worst yet, denied it outright?

Is it because I've traditionally picked partners, based solely on my urges to help people who are suffering, and ended up dating girls who are just not emotionally stable enough to sustain a relationship?

Is it because I frequently have attractions for girls who are not available to be in a relationship with me and when they DO free up, they're too busy recovering from the relationship that they just left?

Is it because I've been too cautious? Have I held off for so long, that I'm no longer attractive as a potential partner? (Somebody once said, that a single, un-married guy in his .... 30's, 40's, one of the two... wasn't "an undiscovered gem", but was "a huge warning sign". When does that crossover happen?)

In my life, the concept of marriage and commitment have danced at the edges of all of my relationships.

One girl, I would've married, but I fucked it up, right proper, for the dumbest possible reason. I maintain the belief that I should be with her, to this day, 15 years later.

One girl, I wanted to marry. Her fucking another guy (maybe two others beyond him) ended all consideration there.

One girl, I also considered marrying, but frankly, she forced the issue by making living with her to be unlivable. Once that wasn't an option, marriage wasn't, either.

One girl, wanted to be married, even wanted to be married to me, but she wanted it before I did and once that pressure was applied, I got out, rather than continue to disappoint her, over and over again.

One girl, I would've married, but she ended things to go back to what was familiar to her and that was, as they say, that.

I know I bear responsibility for the decisions that I've made, to get myself here, to where I am. Both good and bad. I lit several of the matches that burned old relationships to the ground. Some of them were lit for me. And still others were not stable in their foundations, enough to consider habitation within. Once a person becomes an atheist and accepts responsibility for their own actions, it removes all influence of fate, random circumstance and God.

So, I am at the inescapable realization that I am where I am, because I have allowed myself to be here, either by choice, action or the lack thereof.

I am also reminded that if I were to be totally honest with myself, I WANT to be with someone.
I WANT to be married, committed, stable.
I WANT a partner and a lover and a friend and a wife.
I WANT her to be all of those things, rolled up into one.
I WANT to work to be worth her time, attention and commitment.
I WANT her to be worth mine.

I want these things and I do not have them. I'm not even on the path to have them. They do not seem to be eminent possibilities to me, right now.

And that's troubling to me.

This friend said, "When you know, you know" answering the doubts that I had not even voiced yet. Of course, my first question was going to be, "Is this too soon?" It was the first thing that came to my mind. And he, knowing me as well as he does, answered it before I even said anything. And then he helpfully added, "You know?" to which I had to honestly answer, "Not yet, I don't. Maybe someday."

You might have guessed who I am talking about. If you think you know, wait until after Christmas Day to confirm it with him. It will hurt his feelings to know that I'm talking about it here. So, do him that service, and don't discuss it with him, until after the turn of the year. There will be plenty of time to celebrate it then.

All My Best,
Mr.B